Earlier this week Nick and I were sitting down to dinner when he asked me this question: ‘What do you look forward to?’ He wasn’t asking me about the big things like holidays, house extensions or our future life plans. He meant the little things. Nick looks forward to a lot. Strangely he is a person who looks forward to his job, he looks forward to solving the problems that his clients send him, he enjoys working on his own projects at home, he relishes his morning commute when the city is quieter and he can indulge in podcasts and music, all the while getting lost in his own thoughts.…
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Living in me
Over the last couple of months I have been going to counselling. It started out as a way to help me cope with the feelings I was having post birth but has now become a real deep dive into how my mind works and how long it has been going on. When I was a young child, about 8, I was travelling in the car with my mum and I remember saying that when I grew up, I didn’t want to be selfish. I remember that moment so clearly, I remember being in the back seat of the car, I remember the roundabout we were going round and the buildings…
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My funny little mind
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I miss my boy
Rufus is less than a month from turning 6 and in the last few months he has most definitely turned from being my baby boy into a fully fledged little boy. He’s gone from being cuddly and snuggly to wanting to have time to himself. He’s gone from playing with toys to playing with computer games and he’s gone from asking sweet questions like ‘if Australia is at the bottom, are Australians upside down?’ to talking non-stop about Minecraft and a whole game world I know nothing about. While I am so proud of the little man he is becoming and am constantly amazed by all that he is learning,…
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My funny little mind
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Happy New Year
It’s been a while since I’ve written. This is mainly because the presence of my newest family addition, beautiful Martha, has taken up a lot of the last two months but also because I have struggled to find a distinct topic I want to write about. The last two months saw the birth of Martha and in turn becoming a family of five. It also saw me retuning to counselling and restarting my prescription of anti-depressants. It has seen me come to terms with how fragile I feel but also how strong I can be despite my fragility. However none of these things formed into a single coherent thread that…
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My funny little mind
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The fear sets in
**Quick disclaimer – if you are in anyway squeamish this blog post will contain information about the things that happen towards the end of pregnancy. It will be descriptive and honest so if you don’t like that kind of thing – woman up (I hate that expression but I’m a woman and am not squeamish about anything regarding this subject so…)** I am now a week overdue and I am struggling to not be really scared about the risks involved in my pregnancy. I have spoken before about my Group B Strep positive results on my Youtube channel as well as Eloise’s birth and the subsequent GBS infection. Well,…
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My funny little mind
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Learning about my son
Just over six weeks ago Rufus started Year 1. Reception had been a bit hit and miss with him. Some things he had loved, learning to write, starting to read and his wonderful teachers, Miss Groves and Miss Prosper. However he really struggled with anxiety throughout the whole year. He was anxious about social situations, anxious about choosing the right things to do and generally staying out of trouble. He was a ball of nervous energy for most of the year and convincing him to go to school each morning became increasingly difficult. As you can imagine, when Year 1 loomed ever closer I too became anxious about how he…
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My funny little mind
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Self-Preservation
In most aspects of my life I take great pride in being well informed, curious and generally open to learning about politics, issues and the wider world. I think it’s important that if I want a world to exist that reflects my slightly socialist ( for lack of a better definition) views then I need to know and understand as much as I can about how things work. I am not a naive person, I realise that the change I hope to see and be a part of will take decades if not centuries to come about. Humans, while resilient can be very slow to evolving their ideas and to…
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My funny little mind
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Homework?
Rufus started back at school a couple of weeks ago and now he’s all grown up and in year one with a proper assigned seat, workbooks and no settling in time on the carpet. Needless to say the adjustment has been challenging for both of us. However I am pleased to say that he actually seems to be loving every minute of it, at least the academic stuff (he thinks P.E is a waste of time). The biggest difference this year is that now the children are given homework on a Friday which should be back in on the following Wednesday. When Rufus began at the school I made it…
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My funny little mind
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A change in attitude
I am now one month from my due date (23/10/2018) and it would be foolish to think that I would be able to get through this month without feeling nervous, scared, upset and panicky. There are also other emotions that I can expect too and I think they’re ones I have neglected throughout this pregnancy so far. I feel excitement, joy, eager anticipation and the all important overwhelming need to nest. After experiencing the trauma of my birth with Eloise I entered into this pregnancy with quite a high level of anxiety and an expectation that it would be extremely emotionally draining. I think I was so aware of this…
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My funny little mind
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What’s so scary?
I have now been through two very different child births. My first was long, exhausting, painful and yet it was peaceful. I felt calm throughout and the hours after the birth were full of cuddles, dozing and feelings of pure joy. My second experience was very different. Natural labour didn’t start after the initial induction and breaking of my waters, so a hormone was used to get things moving. This ensured that my labour was more painful, more intense and didn’t allow my own natural hormones lead the situation. After the birth things got worse with a loss of blood, shock and the realisation that Eloise was unwell and needed…
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My funny little mind