The fear sets in

**Quick disclaimer – if you are in anyway squeamish this blog post will contain information about the things that happen towards the end of pregnancy. It will be descriptive and honest so if you don’t like that kind of thing – woman up (I hate that expression but I’m a woman and am not squeamish about anything regarding this subject so…)**

 

I am now a week overdue and I am struggling to not be really scared about the risks involved in my pregnancy. I have spoken before about my Group B Strep positive results on my Youtube channel as well as Eloise’s birth and the subsequent GBS infection. Well, here I am again with my fifth UTI in this pregnancy and second GBS positive result for the pregnancy. Just the words Group B Strep are extremely triggering and as part of my care during this pregnancy I have been talking about it a lot as well as recounting my birth trauma over and over again. This means that I am, on a rational level very aware of the risks of GBS as well as the realities of treatment. The problem is, rational thinking sort of disappears when you keep getting positive results and you’re now overdue.

Last Wednesday my mucus plug started to go. This does not mean that labour is imminent but it means things are moving along. By Friday evening I was in absolute agony and had to accept that I probably had another UTI so after another sleepless night I ended up going to Maternity triage to get myself checked out. Without the mucus plug I just couldn’t shake the feeling that the baby was more vulnerable to my infection and I am not ashamed to admit, I was crying with fear. In the hospital I was treated very sympathetically (they could probably sense my imminent tears) and they ran the basic tests. They tested my urine (which had blood in it as well as clear indicators of infection), they listened to the baby’s heartbeat (although she tried her best to evade their efforts), they put me on the monitor to track her movements (at which point she slept and refused to move – she’s just like her mother) and they then decided to do another sweep. The thinking was that getting things moving along faster might be a very good idea at this point.

For those who are not in the know, a sweep is where a midwife uses their fingers to sweep around the cervix and hopefully detach the membrane. They can also use this opportunity to see how dilated you are, stretch you a bit further and see how soft the cervix is. Four days after my first sweep I was no further along in dilation or effacement.

After all this, I was sent home with promises that it shouldn’t be long now. Well, here I am, two days later and nothing much has happened. I had my bloody show on Saturday night but again all this means is that things are moving in the right direction.

For all we know about the human body and how it works there is still so little we know about things that happen every day. Women all across the world give birth every minute and yet so much of it is still a mystery.

All I can think about is how surely my baby would be safer out than in at this point. If I am going to keep exposing her to infection and have to keep taking antibiotics, surely she would be better off out of me where she doesn’t have to be subjected to it?

My midwife is due to come tomorrow for my 41 week appointment and I will say all of this to her. I’m sure she will be full of reassurances but unfortunately at nighttime she is not there to hold my hand and keep me calm. At 5am this morning I was crying in bed as my mind went to dark places about my infection making its way through the membrane and into my baby. My one thing to hold onto, is that this baby moves. She wriggles and wiggles constantly. Normally, this would’t be great as it is extremely uncomfortable and sometimes painful but in this case it means she’s ok. It means she’s most likely not infected but every time she stops moving for a while, the panic sets back in.

Hopefully she will be here soon, hopefully I’ll be able to put the fear aside and just love her, but right now things aren’t feeling that way.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *